Here's a little story about my car.

Consonant reader,

I'd parked my car just outside my flat yesterday. I kept checking on it because I had a feeling something was going to happen to it. For hours nothing did, it just stood there, on all four tyres, still.

Even when a gang of rowdy lads began to walk by, I went to the window and looked down. They were too busy playing with a football to try and abuse my car.

But I couldn't get this feeling of impending doom out of my head. I knew anytime soon, my car would be attacked by someone or something. But nothing happened all the time I was in the flat.

Later on, I had to drive into town. I went downstairs and opened the door to my flat, therefore looking at the car at eye level, and what did I see? A large dirty trail of seagull shit smeared all down the driver's window. On closer inspection it looked as though the poo had come from a cat, a dog or a dingo of some type. It wasn't your usuall white egg flecked with smatterings of black, this was all off- brown and had the texture of a old worn carpet. And it was HUGE, not just lengthways but widthways. The gull that did this needs to sort out what its eating, for my cars sake.

I haven't washed it off yet owing to being a bit lazy today and also from a warped sense of pride.

B x.